“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” Philippians 4:6
Last Christmas season was spent in agony. I was a mess. I never understood depression until I experienced what I experienced last year during the holiday season. Self doubt? You got it. Unworthy? Yep! That is me! Broken? 100%! Believe it or not, these are the emotions I was feeling. I felt so out of balance with my body. I felt shattered from the impact of this burden weighing heavily on my heart. At this point in time I had been on this journey for a year and six months. I spent a lot of days in a quiet pain and a silent suffering that even my closest family members knew very little about. My husband was a wonderful support throughout this journey, yet I was still missing something that would bring my heart peace. I actually spent a lot of days upset and angry at God for allowing this bareness to come into my life. I was angry, sad, confused, and depressed, most of the time sitting in pity and self doubt. Then quietly, and over time, I began to feel a peace make its way into my heart. The Lord was speaking to me in many small ways, most of which I barely even realized or in any way could have understood in those dark moments.
But why was I have it those constant thoughts of self doubt and negativity? It was because I hadn’t accepted the path that the Lord had set for my life. Ever since I was a little girl, I always had a vision of what my life was supposed to be like. As a rule follower and perfectionist, I always thought that if I did things a certain way or acted in a certain way then my life wold work out the way I wanted it to. God however had a different plan for my life and this realization, this shift in my thought process, saved me.
As I spent time contemplating God’s design for my life, I knew that I needed to seek ways to understand his plan. This came in the form of constant prayer, contemplation, and surrender to His undeniable power and love. The Bible urges us to be prayerful, steadfast, and willing. Philippians 4:6 reminds us to “not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” and Matthew 6:25-32 urges us to not be anxious as well “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…your heavenly Father knows what you need.” Who was I to doubt a God who gave his only Son for my life? This shift in my mindset did not happen overnight. It took time that only I could know how to take. I needed to find myself wallowing in self doubt and pain. I had to surrender myself to God’s will and allow his grace to work through me.
As time went on, I would find myself slowly finding peace in my sorrow. I began to be thankful for everything in my life. Others joy became my joy as well, as I realized what God was telling me! He was showing me the beauty of life that surrounds me each and every day. He taught me how to be still in the wait, showing me patience with each passing moment. The Bible urges us to wait in Him throughout our days. Lamentations 3:25 tells us “The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” The Bible is filled with verses filling us with the hope of Jesus Christ. Psalm 37:4-5 tells us trust in the Lord . . .delight yourself in the Lord . . .commit your way to the Lord . . .be still before the Lord. This is how God asks us to wait in the life of faith. We are called to trust God with our whole heart, soul and mind. We are to believe that he will do good in His timing and fully trust in his plan for our life.
So this Christmas season, even though I am still waiting without a baby in my arms, I am grateful, hopeful, and delightful for God’s plan for my life. I no longer wait in agony or cry tears of sorrow. I understand His will for me and trust in His infinitely beautiful timing.
God’s love for you is far beyond any suffering you may face. He has a plan for your life and a reason for your hurt. As you wait for the Lord’s plan to reveal itself to you, take heart in his joy for you. Hold on to the hope that only He can give. Know that you are not alone in this journey and that your life’s plan will work out just the way it should. For it is in Him that you can move beyond the frustration of self doubt, suffering, and pain to a world of joy, love, and contentment as you wait for God to reveal the plan he has for your life.